


Into the Dalek Into Himself

by Es_Aitch



Series: AU Stories for the Twelfth Doctor [2]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 03:41:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16442309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Es_Aitch/pseuds/Es_Aitch
Summary: What would have happened to the Doctor if he had to face Rusty without a companion, with all the doubts of a recent regeneration, Clara's rejection of him, and ‘alone’?





	Into the Dalek Into Himself

The Doctor dematerialised the TARDIS without setting any coordinates.  He simply thought to her: “ _Take me where I need to be._ ”

She materialised in a war zone.  A Dalek war zone.  He looked up at the time rotor.  “Really?  Here?  You think I’m ready for this?”

He felt a gentle and encouraging nudge at the back of his mind. “Oh, all right!”

He pressed a few buttons so he could listen to the chatter and then returned to the monitor and checked things over.  He heard a ship in distress and saw that it was flying erratically, but he was impressed with the feat.  “Decision made.”

He programmed the coordinates.  He couldn’t do much, but he could save the pilot. One less Dalek caused death.  It was enough.  He looked down at the woman as she came to an awareness of her surroundings.  Grabbed for her gun and aimed it at him, so he started to speak to try to calm her.  “You might feel a bit sick.  Please, don’t be.”

She looked around frantically.  “Where’s my brother?”

To try to calm her, he introduced himself.  “Hello.  I’m the Doctor.”

That did nothing as she started to wander a bit farther searching for her brother.  “He was right beside me. Where's Kai? How did I get here?”

The Doctor just stared at the strange woman.  “I materialised a time capsule exactly round you and saved your life one second before your ship exploded but do please keep crying.”

She was getting exasperated and moved the gun around the TARDIS looking for more threats.  “My brother’s just died!”

The Doctor walked closer to the console.  “His sister didn’t.  You’re very welcome.  Put the gun down.”

“Or what?”

“Or you might shoot me and then where will you be?”

She was one to have an answer to everything.  “In charge of your vessel.”

The Doctor knew better.  “You'd starve to death trying to find the light switch. Who are you?”

She straightened up taller and pointed her gun more towards him.  “I'm Lieutenant Journey Blue of the Combined Galactic Resistance. I demand you take me back to my command ship, the Aristotle, which is currently located...”

The Doctor waved a finger at her.  He was not one to be threatened in his own home.  “No. Hey, not like that.”

Journey tried again being less threatening and more demanding.  “You will take me back to my command ship, which is currently positioned...”

The Doctor was not impressed, honestly did no one teach manners these days?  “No, no. Come on. Not like that. Not like that. Get it right!”

He shouldn’t be one to talk about manners, but sometimes he could express them.  Journey started to lower her gun in confusion of the man before her.  She tried again.  More hesitant.  “Will you take me back to my ship... Please?”

The Doctor nodded and turned towards the lever.  “The Aristotle's the big fella parked in the asteroid belt, yeah?”

He set the TARDIS in motion. Journey was even more confused.  She warned him.  “It’s shielded.”

The Doctor shrugged.  “More or less.”

The TARDIS materialised and he moved to the doors to open them.  “Dry your eyes, Journey Blue, crying's for civilians.  It's how we communicate with you lot.”

They exited the TARDIS into what looked like a storage room on the ship, _The Aristotle_.  Journey looked back at the TARDIS.  “Hey!  It’s smaller on the inside.”

The Doctor continued to walk.  “Yeah.  It’s more exiting when you go the other way.”

They soon encountered the leader of the ship, a man named Morgan, who led them to what seemed to be a bit of a cupboard.    The Doctor stared for a moment at the creature inside the room.  He recognised it immediately, even with all the wires and probes attached to it.  He was staring into the eye stalk of a Dalek.  “No, you don't understand. You can't put me in there!”

The Dalek questioned loudly, “DOC-TOR?”

The pair exchanged a brief conversation and the Doctor said he had to get some help.  He went to the TARDIS.  He dematerialised without thinking about where he was going.  He realised, with Clara’s exit, he really didn’t have anywhere to go.  No one else knew him in this body, except Vastra and Jenny and he wouldn’t go to them.  No.  Maybe the point was to face the Daleks as he never had before:  alone.  Maybe it would help him figure out who he was if he confronted an age-old enemy.  The worst that would happen was he would die.  He could live with that.  Decision made, he returned to _The Aristotle_.

He made his way back to the Dalek’s cupboard and opened the doors.  “DOC-TOR?  WILL YOU HELP ME?”

It was the same request the Dalek had made during their earlier conversation.  Journey stepped forward.  “Helping it could help us.  Will you?”

The Doctor considered his options.  “A Dalek so damaged, it's turned good. Morality as malfunction. How do I resist?”

Journey continued.  “What do you do with a moral Dalek?”

The Doctor looked grim.  “We get into its head.”

Captain Morgan took in the Doctor’s expression.  “I take it that isn’t a metaphor.”

The Doctor shrugged.  “What else are molecular nanoscalers for?”

He offered a manic grin, but it quickly faded in the face of everyone else’s seriousness.  This was a hard group to crack.  Everyone set into motion.  They had clearly used this process many times before.

 

\----------------------------------------------------

 

As they made their way down the gaps that were forming a corridor, the Doctor spoke, “Old Rusty here is suffering a trionic radiation leak. It's poisoning the Dalek and us. Just as well we're here.”

Gretchen and Journey exchanged looks.  But it was Journey who was able to speak.  “Really? Perhaps we should get out while we can. Why should we trust a Dalek? Why would it change?”

The Doctor looked back at Journey.  Maybe he judged her too quickly.  Most soldiers wouldn’t come up with a question like that.  He looked up above him where the living Dalek creature was.  “Good question. Rusty? What changed you?”

“I SAW BEAUTY.”

That made the Doctor come to a full-stop.  Journey nearly bumped into him.  It took him a moment to speak.  “You saw what?”

“IN THE SILENCE AND THE COLD, I SAW WORLDS BURNING.”

Journey spoke up from behind the Doctor. “That's not beauty, that's destruction.”

Rusty protested.  “I SAW MORE!”

The Doctor took a hesitant step forward.  “What?  What did you see?”

“THE BIRTH OF A STAR!”

The Doctor scoffed.  “Stars are born every day. You've seen a million stars born. So what?”

“DALEKS HAVE DESTROYED A MILLION STARS.”

“Oh, millions and millions. Trust me, I keep count.”

“AND YET, NEW STARS ARE BORN.”

“Every time!”

“RESISTENCE IS FUTILE.”

It was the tone more than the statement that caught the Doctor’s attention.  Even with his Dalek voice, Rusty’s tone sounded somewhat defeated.  “Resistance to what?”

“LIFE RETURNS. LIFE PREVAILS. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.”

“So, you saw a star being born, and you learned something. Rusty, you’d better not lie to me!” 

He had said long ago, when he had met that lone Dalek just after the Time War, that Daleks were honest.  They hate; and they kill.  To think one would be capable of learning something positive was a bridge too far for him to accept right now.  He turned to the others.  “This way.  The heart of the Dalek is just ahead.“

As they entered the area, electrical arcs were sparking all around them.  Journey was taking readings.  “Geiger counter's off the scale. Looks like it's about to blow.”

The Doctor was walking around, looking for the leak.  “Good!”

Journey was scandalised.  “How is that good?”

“I work better under pressure.  Rusty, we've found the damage.”  He pulled out his sonic and did some analysis.  He realised he could use his sonic.  “I'm sealing up the breach in your power cell. No more radiation poisoning. Good as new. Job done.”

Gretchen couldn’t believe it.  “That's it? Just like that?”

The Doctor hummed in agreement.  “An anti-climax, once in a while, is good for my hearts.” 

Gretchen picked up on the plural.  “Sorry?  Hearts?  What do you mean hearts?  You’re talking like you’ve got more than one.”

“Shhhhh!”  The Doctor hushed her.  He realised something.  Rusty was being quiet.  Very quiet.  He didn’t trust a quiet Dalek.  “Rusty? How do you feel?”  He grew more concerned when he received no reply.  “Rusty?... Rusty?.... Rusty!”

“THE MALFUNCTION IS CORRECTED.”

The machine around them started to hum lounder and lights came on.  Journey said, “It’s like it’s waking up!”

“Rusty! Come on, talk to me! What’s going on?”  The Doctor was getting concerned now.

“THE MALFUNCTION IS CORRECTED. ALL SYSTEMS ARE FUNCTIONING.  WEAPONS CHARGED.”

The Doctor felt like he failed, he tried to get the Dalek’s attention. “No, no, no… No, no, no…”

Rusty started to shout “Exterminate”.

The Doctor knew what was happening outside without having to look.  Then things started to rumble around them, everything shook and the Doctor knew they were in motion.  Gretchen questioned him.  “Doctor?  What happened?”

He sighed.  “Do you see?”

“See what?”

“Daleks don't turn good. It was just radiation affecting its brain chemistry, nothing more than that. No miracle.”

Journey joined the conversation.  “Let me get this straight. We had a good Dalek, and we made it bad again? That's all we've done?”

Her tone was angry and she was stepping towards the Doctor.  He didn’t like that.  He pulled himself up to his full height to challenge her.  “There was never a good Dalek. There was a broken Dalek and we repaired it.”

“You were supposed to be helping us.”

The Doctor shrugged her off.  “I gave it a shot. It didn't work out. It was a Dalek, what did you expect?”

Journey addressed the Doctor first.  “No more talking. You are done!”  Then to Gretchen, “Okay, new objective. We are taking this Dalek down.”  She started to gather the chargers together.  “We need to place these charges for maximum effect. I'm going to scan the rest of the architecture for weaknesses.”

Gretchen wasn’t entirely convinced.  “Why did we come here today? What was the point? You. You thought there was a good Dalek. What difference would one good Dalek make?”

The Doctor didn’t understand this line of questioning.  “All the difference in the universe, but it's impossible.”

“Is it really?  Is that all we learned today?”

He stared at her in utter confusion.  But then, he realised what she was saying.  He gave a bright, if manic smile.  “You are good!”  He rushed over to Journey.  “Whatever you're going to do, don't do it This Dalek must not be destroyed. We can do better.”

“Are you out of your mind?”

The Doctor spoke excitedly.  “No!  I'm inside a Dalek.  I'm standing where I've never been.  We cannot waste this chance.  It won't come again.”

“What chance?  I have my orders.”

The Doctor agreed. “Soldiers take orders.”

“And I’m a soldier.”

“A Dalek is a better soldier than you will ever be.  You can’t win this way.”

She held up a grenade, ready to pull the pin  She growled in frustration.  Why was she giving him a chance?  “Agh!  Then what do we do?”

The Doctor gave her an encouraging smile.  “Something better!  But we can’t do it from here.  Come on.”

Gretchen and Journey started to follow him.  He pointed up.  “This way.  We can use these as a ladder.”

Once they reached a ledge, he started to explain his plan.  “A Dalek isn't just some angry blob in a Dalekanium tank. If it was, the radiation would have turned it into a raging lunatic.”

“Ah, it _is_ a lunatic.  It’s a Dalek.”

The Doctor wasn’t going to be deterred by Journey’s comment.  “But for a moment, it wasn't. The radiation allowed it to expand its consciousness, to consider things beyond its natural terms of reference. It became good. That means a good Dalek is possible. That's what we learned today.”  He turned to Gretchen.  “Am I right?  That’s what you meant?”

She gave a single nod.  Journey still wasn’t convinced.  “But now it's back to how it was.”

The Doctor calmed himself to match her tone.  “Yes, but what it saw, what it felt, what it remembered, it’s all still there.”

“Yeah, I’m not really seeing that.”

He shook his head.  “Not here.  There!” He pointed upwards.

“You mean in the Cortex Vault?”

He nodded.  “Every memory recorded. Some suppressed, but all still intact. We need to show the Dalek that star being born again. Recreate that moment. You need to get up there, find that moment and reawaken it.”

“ME?”

He hadn’t really been listening to himself talk.  “Oh, good idea, yes you!”

Journey looked up and back at him.  “How?”

He shrugged.  “Haven't the foggiest. Do a clever thing. And then once you've done it, the Dalek will be suggestible to new ideas. It will be open again. And I will show it something that will change its mind forever.”

“What?”

“Not a clue.”

Journey continued to protest.  “This is crazy.  There’s no way we can get back up there in time.”

Gretchen swallowed thickly.  “Yes there is.”

“No, Gretchen, It'll bring the antibodies back down on us.”

Gretchen looked over at the Doctor who had stepped away from them.  “Tell me one thing.  And tell me the truth.  Are you right?  I've come this far. Probably going to die anyway. Wouldn't mind something to do for the rest of my life.”

He swallowed thickly.  “I’m still trying to figure that out.  But I’m usually both.”

It was the best he could offer.  He wasn’t sure if he was a good man or not.  She seemed to accept it.  “Is it worth it?”

That he could answer with absolute certainty.  “If I can turn one Dalek, I can turn them all. I can save the future.”

She nodded.  “Gretchen Alison Carlisle. Do something good and name it after me.”

“I will do something amazing.  I promise.”

She nodded again and took aim at the cranial ledge.  Then she fired to harpoon wires. “Go, now!  They’re coming.”

Journey fastened the zip to the wire and started to make her way up.  The Doctor stayed with Gretchen as long as he could.  She noticed he was still there.  “What are you waiting for?  Go!”

He sighed and turned to leave.  He heard her scream as he made his way to Rusty’s body.  It was more impressive now that he was so much smaller than it.  It was not unlike facing the Dalek Emperor like he had all those years ago on Satellite Five.  He took a breath and stilled himself.  This was going to take all of his focus.  “Here we are, Rusty. Eye to eye.”

Rusty looked at the Doctor.  “YOU CANNOT SAVE THEM.  THEY WILL BE EXTERMINATED.  I SHALL JOIN THE DALEK UNITS IN THE FINAL ATTACK.”

The Doctor started to work on some of the electrical connections.  “I saved your life, Rusty. Now I'm going to go one better. I'm going to save your soul.”

“DALEKS DO NOT HAVE SOULS.”

The Doctor kept working but Rusty was talking much how he felt right now.  So he said what he needed to hear himself.  “No?  Well, imagine if you did.  What then, Rusty?  What would happen?”  There was a sudden flash of light coming down the connectors.  “Your memories. I'm about to give some back to you.”

He waited a moment to see if the Dalek would protest.  When none came, he continued.  “See, all those years ago, when I began, I was just running. I called myself the Doctor, but it was just a name. And then I went to Skaro. And then I met you lot and I understood who I was. The Doctor was not the Daleks.”

Which is about the only truth he knew about himself right now.  Everything else was in question.  But not that.  He knew he wasn’t a Dalek.  Even if when he faced that Dalek long ago with Rose, he decided that he was the same as them and tried to destroy it.  He wasn’t the same now.  Even if that Dalek told him he’d make a good Dalek, he had been a different man then.  He had learned so much.

Suddenly, there was another charge of energy.  “Oh, look. It's your memories again. It's like somebody's mucking about up there. Memories, all those memories. Do you remember the star you saw being born?”

Rusty hesitantly responded. “I…. REMEMBER….”

The Doctor pressed.  “You saw the truth, Rusty.  Remember how you felt.  You saw a star being born!  The endless rebirth of the universe.”

“NOOO!”

“And you realised the truth about the Daleks.”

“TRUTH?  WHAT IS THE TRUTH?”

The Doctor looked Rusty straight in the eye.  “Let me show you the truth. I've opened your mind and now I'm coming in.”

He had finally got the two cables split apart.  Holding one in each hand, he connected them together and screamed as the energy surged through him.  Now that their minds were joined, he could speak easily.  “I’m a part of you.  My mind is in your mind.”

“I SEE YOUR MIND, DOCTOR. I SEE YOUR UNIVERSE.”

The Doctor spoke with reverence.  “And isn’t the universe beautiful?”

“I SEE BEAUTY.”

“That’s good.  Hold on to that!”

“I SEE ENDLESS, DIVINE PERFECTION.”

“Remember how you feel right now.  Put it inside you and live by it.”

“I SEE INTO YOUR SOUL, DOCTOR. I SEE BEAUTY. I SEE DIVINITY.” Rusty paused as he tried to find the word for the last thing he saw. “I SEE HATRED.”

The Doctor paused in shock.  “H-hatred?”

“I SEE YOUR HATRED OF THE DALEKS AND IT IS GOOD.”

The Doctor was horrified.  This isn’t what he wanted.  He wanted a good Dalek, not one filled with hatred.  This couldn’t be him!  “No, no, no. You must see more than that, there must be more than that.”

“DEATH TO THE DALEKS. DEATH TO THE DALEKS.”

“No! There must be more!  There must be more than that. Please!”  He didn’t want hatred to be his root cause.  That would make him no better than the Daleks.  Was that all he was now?  Just an old man filled with hate?

“DALEKS ARE EVIL. DALEKS MUST BE EXTERMINATED. DALEKS ARE EVIL.”  As Rusty cried out, he exterminated all of the Daleks that had invaded the _Aristotle_.  Task complete, he announced.  “THE DALEKS ARE EXTERMINATED.”

The Doctor was distraught.  He didn’t know what to say or do.  “Of course they are. That's what you do, isn't it?”

Mission accomplished, Journey and the Doctor exited Rusty and returned to normal size.  Journey was reunited with her uncle and Rusty approached the group.  “I HAVE TRANSMITTED A RETREAT SIGNAL. THE DALEKS WILL BELIEVE THE HUMANS HAVE INITIATED THE SHIP'S SELF-DESTRUCT.”

Journey had grown slightly attached to the Dalek, since he had saved them.  “What about you, Rusty?”

“I MUST GO WITH THEM.”

The Doctor was still disgusted with the results.  “Of course you must. You've unfinished work, haven't you?”

“VICTORY IS YOURS, BUT IT DOES NOT PLEASE YOU.”

The Doctor shook his head.  “You looked inside me and you saw hatred. That's not victory. Victory would have been a good Dalek.”

Rusty challenged him in return.  “ _I_ AM NOT A GOOD DALEK. _YOU_ ARE A GOOD DALEK.”

As Rusty left he turned to look at the Doctor.  And something about that, pierced the Doctor’s hearts.  He had failed.  Failed in the worst way possible.  He had to leave.  Had to run.  He greeted the others.  “Till the next time.”

Journey followed behind him a few moments later.  “Doctor!”  She waited for him to turn around.  “Take me with you.”

The Doctor offered a small sympathetic smile.  “I think you're probably nice. Underneath it all, I think you're kind and you're definitely brave. I just wish you hadn't been a soldier.”

With that, he entered the TARDIS, leaving her behind.  He needed to think and he couldn’t do that here. 

Journey would have just encouraged him to be a soldier.  They would have done more fighting that saving the universe.  It would have been a disaster.  He had honestly wished Gretchen had survived.  She wasn’t a soldier, not the way Journey was.  Gretchen would have asked the right questions.  Which reminded him, he had promised to do something amazing in her honour. 

He put his fingers into the telepathic circuits.  He needed the TARDIS to find Rusty’s star.  Once she located it he went there.  He opened the doors and just looked at it for a long time.  Then, he closed the doors, returned to the console and named the star:  GAC, after Gretchen Allison Carlisle.

That did little to comfort him, but at least he had fulfilled his promise.  So many companions along the way told him to not be alone.  He knew they were right.  He needed to find someone and soon, or he might never recover from being told he was a good Dalek.

**Author's Note:**

> Didn’t turn out quite as exciting as I thought it would. The Clara parts were so easily reassigned in this episode, so it’s kind of just the episode plus some added Doctory thoughts. It was a good writing exercise for me in general, though.


End file.
